The Best Thing to Do for Your Marriage
Claim your special time together
When it comes to catching up with their daily lives, many couples don’t get much past “How was your day?” and “Fine” before the crush of evening activities overtakes them. Carve out 20 minutes wherever possi ble for a conversation—be it over after-dinner coffee or a late-night glass of wine. And stick with it until it achieves the status of a not-to-be missed ritual.Couple rituals are a critically important component of happy marriages. Some couples have a weekend-morning breakfast alone or read aloud to one another: some take a walk; the lucky few with a hot tub share a soak. These rituals provide a regular forum in which you are the main object of each other’s attention—and, not incidentally, a context in which your children see you caring for one another.
Make your bedroom a sanctuary
Perhaps your children’s rooms are charmingly decorated, while your bedroom—well, you haven’t quite gotten around to decorating your bed room yet. Prioritize, girl! “This should be the one room—of all the rooms in your house—where you could happily spend an entire day,” says Wolf. Lose the laundry, last week’s newspapers, the kids’ toys and videotapes—even the family photos, if those big eyes staring at you are dis tracting. Invest in closet and drawer organizers that will enable you to keep the room uncluttered and serene.
Talk each other up
You’ve been away on a business trip— or simply out for the afternoon? He can peel the older kids away from the computer game so they can greet Mommy when she comes home. By the same token, when he’s been out for a grueling morning of manly errands at the hardware superstore, you can encourage little ones to watch for his car and let you know when it comes. (Remember, this is a joint project.) Plant ideas for the kids to talk about later: “Won’t Daddy be excited to see your new haircut!” or “Mommy will be so proud when she sees the picture you drew.” These simple efforts emphasize to your children how importani your marriage is to you. And they make homecomings a whole lot nicer.
Set aside time to talk about your marriage
New lovers talk endlessly about how they feel, but couples who’ve been together for a long time often act as though their relationship is less interesting than what the mechanic said about that strange noise in the car. Yet if your marriage is important to you. shouldn’t it be something you discuss from time to time?
Ask your husband how he feels about your relationship. What does he like best? Least? What does he wish? What are his dreams for the two of you?
If this subject hasn’t been a regular item on your agenda, frame your first comments carefully. Men typically are not all that comfortable sharing feelings.”Don’t ask him why he feels the way he does, just listen to how he feels.”
Have fun—or else!
Money is tight. Babysitters are scarce. And there is so much to be done for the family and house that having fun—as in. going on a date with your husband—seems like a luxury that just has to wait.
That’s a mistake. When couples don’t have fun together, it sucks the life out of the marriage. Every couple needs time to deal with issues and commitments. But if that’s all they’re dealing with, there’s no joy in the situation. It can be devastating. When couples fail to plan any fun times for themselves, the real issue usually isn’t money. Most people can squeeze a little of that out of their budgets now and again. The problem, instead, is one of priori-lies: We feel more virtuous taking care of this or that chore, or doing some thing for the children, or maybe even going to bed eariy. than making a plan to do something fun with our husband.
Couples also need to dehne “fun” in lots of different ways. Trying new things together (even an activity you end up hating can be great for giggles) is jusi as important as sharing the things you both know and love.
Invest in couples counseling
The average time between when a couple notices things aren’t so great and when they seek help is six years. Part of the delay may be a lingering stig ma in some people’s minds regarding therapy; another may be the expecta tion that everylhing will somehow work itself out. Yet neither belief is realistic.Think of how the business world operates. Corporations spend billions of dollars on training, developmenl. and planning. Yet when it comes to family—which is so much more important—the expectation is that you will stay together, happily, with no investment in equipment or enrichment.
Even those in happy but ho-hum unions benefit from sharpening their skills, perhaps at a Marriage Encounter weekend retreat program or a couples communication course—if only because your effort and actions are a way of expressing your all-important commitment to each other.
Couples who do well together make their marriage their priority.But it’s all part of the same fabric: How you relate to your spouse emotionally is part of how you relate to your kids emotionally.Making your marriage number one is not like a seesaw that puts one party up at the expense of the other. Rather, it’s an investment of energy that keeps the whole family in balance.
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