Self Confident for your children
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
Everyone needs to feel uniquely loved and irreplaceable, and the family is the first setting in which children learn that their existence is special to others. All children crave physical manifestations of affection: hugs, kisses, hand-holding or an arm around their shoulders. And they need to hear “I love you” every day, especially when they wake up and go to bed. Think of this affection as being biodegradable and requiring constant replenishment.
Unconditional love, the cornerstone on which self-esteem is built, means loving your child for who she is, not for what she does. Because this love is not linked to behavior, performance or appearance, it’s never subject to cancellation. When you’re unhappy with your child’s behavior, it’s helpful to express your feelings using the word I rather than you. You messages tend to judge, lay blame, criticize, decrease cooperation and lower self-esteem: “Look what a mess you’ve made in here! Can’t you ever be good?” In contrast, I messages allow you to focus on the behavior, not her personal worth: “I don’t like to see big messes because they mean a lot of extra work for me.”
ENCOURAGE HEALTHY RISK TAKING
Beginning in babyhood, encourage your child to try new experiences, whether it’s tasting a new food, feeling sand beneath her feet, splashing in water or stroking a furry pet. Preschoolers can be encouraged to greet a new play¬mate or learn a new game. Healthy risk taking for older children might include cooking dinner for the family, or trying out for a sport or the school play. Children need to learn that although taking a risk will involve some failures, it often leads to new accomplishments.
BE PROUD
Let your child hear you speak positively about him in front of others. If you prominently display his artwork, schoolwork or photographs of him engaged in his favorite activities, he’ll be reminded frequently of your pride in his achievements. Making time to attend your kids’ school performances, sporting events or scouting activities is a powerful way to convey interest in their lives. During family meals, let everyone have a chance to talk about their day and their successes. Parents with more than one child need to be sure they acknowledge each one’s unique talents.
BE A GOOD LISTENER
Your goal is to reflect, not to refute or minimize, what your child is saying. Paraphrasing her words validates what she’s feeling and helps her learn to express a wide range of emotions. Respond with such statements as “I understand you’re sad because Billy has to go home now” or “I see you’re really excited about Elizabeth’s birthday party.” By accepting, not judging, you show her that her feelings really matter and that you value what she has to say. Openly share your own feelings to help your child become comfortable expressing hers: “I’m sad and worried right now because Grandma is really sick.” Let your child know that her thoughts and opinions count. Ask her, “What games would you like to play at your party?” or “What was your favorite part of the story?”
OFFER ENCOURAGEMENT
Overuse of praise puts the focus on an external evaluation of the child. It can create pressure to perform and an ongoing need for approval from others. Encouragement is different, because it rewards effort more than results and fosters self-approval. “Tell me about your picture. I can see you enjoy coloring” is more effective than saying, “You stayed in the lines perfectly.” When you do give praise, try to be specific in your comments; for example, say, “I like the way you hustled and made a good effort the entire game” rather than “You’re the best player on the whole team.”
TEACH RESPONSIBILITY
Having firm limits and adhering to family rules gives a child a sense of self-discipline and responsibility. Ask for your child’s input—within reason—when you establish and update the rules.
Give her a vote of confidence by asking for help as you -prepare dinner, fold laundry or set the table. Assign her age-appropriate tasks such as picking up toys, getting dressed or feeding a pet. Remember to acknowledge your child’s efforts. Even if she forgets, show her you have high expectations. Say something like “That’s not like you to forget to feed the cat. You’re usually so responsible.”
CELEBRATE SUCCESSES
Your child’s sense of competence is enhanced when you support his efforts. Take the time to teach and acknowledge new skills such as learning to use the potty, tying shoelaces, riding a tricycle or learning to swim.
Don’t be too quick to take over a task that he finds frustrating. Comments like “Here, let me do that,” “You’re too little” and “You might spill it” cultivate dependence and erode confidence. Instead, encourage your child to do things for himself, with necessary guidance from you.
EXPRESS YOUR INTEREST
By giving your child your undivided attention, you let her know that she’s more important than anything else at that moment. Put down the newspaper when she’s trying to talk to you. Maintain eye contact and listen to what she’s saying. Consider turning off one television program each day and using that time to be fully present with your child, whether to go on an errand, read, snuggle or play together. Even 20 minutes a day of focused attention will do wonders for a child’s self-esteem.
POINT OUT THE LESSONS IN MISTAKES
Small children usually make small mistakes with small consequences; these errors can teach them to solve future problems by making good decisions. If your child sets her cup on the edge of the table and it spills, encourage her to think of what she might do differently next time. Help her repair something that she broke, or ask her to make amends for a bad decision. If a child takes responsibility for mistakes, her self-esteem will increase; it teaches her that actions and choices produce consequences.
INSTILL A SENSE OF ETHNIC PRIDE
By taking pride in their ethnic heritage, children learn a sense of identity and belonging that fosters positive feelings about themselves. Attending family reunions, sampling traditional foods and hearing stories of the family’s history help kids understand and appreciate their heritage. Identify for your child famous people from the present and past who share your ethnic background.
ADMIT IT WHEN YOU’RE WRONG
Saying “I’m sorry” is one of the most humbling and honest things a parent can do. When parents admit their mis¬takes and ask for forgiveness, children learn to appreciate that no one is perfect. A child who forgives her parents when they apologize finds it easier to accept her own shortcomings. She will be able to forgive herself and others.
By DR. MARIANNE NEIFERT
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