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My family doesn’t know I’m lesbian. They are very traditional and conservative, so I know it will come as a big blow to them. They do love me very much though, and I am tired of keeping my sexual orientation a secret When should I let them know? When I am financially able? Or when I’ve finally decided to settle down with my partner?

answer:
You know there is only one person who can answer that question, and that is you. My heart goes out to you that you have to hide such a big part of yourself from those you love, but remember they do love you and you owe them honesty. However, you have to feel ready to address this, and address it in the right way — remind your family that you are still the person they love, nothing has changed but this is part of who you are. I wish you all the best because there will probably never be a best time for this, so do it when you are ready.

A little more than a year ago, I found out that my husband has had two children from a previous relationship. They are 18 now. I am finding it hard to get over the lies he told me and I feel he still has feelings for this other woman. We have four children ourselves and have never met the other two. And, although our kids and I would like to, my husband refuses to discuss the matter.

answer:
If you let your bitter feelings get the better of you, you may drive your husband further away and make the other woman seem more attractive. It would be best not to berate him or force him to talk. Right now he is with you and your children. Given that the other children may want a relationship with him, and that he may feel some obligations towards them, it would be important to see if you can support him having a relationship with them. If so, you need to let him know. By doing this, you are avoiding putting him in a situation where he may feel he has to choose.

I’ve been married nine years and my husband wants sex every night. I’ve managed to get it down to every second night. If he doesn’t get it on the night, he can get angry and abusive, especially if he has been drinking. We have three children and, to be honest, I rarely feel like sex these days. Please reassure me this isn’t a normal or healthy relationship.

answer:
This aspect of your relationship is not normal or healthy. Even if you felt like sex, he is not offering you the kind of sex you would feel like having. Your husband probably believes he has a right to your body, and you may believe (many women do) that it is your responsibility to be available. His abuse indicates he also may have the potential for physical violence. If you are too scared to challenge him about his behavior, perhaps you should investigate a temporary separation and/or taking out a restraining order. Both of these will give you some leverage to negotiate changes from a safer distance. Choose a time when he has not been drinking and when there will be no interruptions. Clearly state that you do not find his demands for sex and his verbal abuse acceptable behavior and that you want him to take serious steps towards change. If he fails to take you seriously, or cannot follow through on what he promises, you will need to seek counselling.

My husband decided to move out, leaving me and my children on our own. He told us it was only temporary, but we now know that there is another woman and a new baby. What should I do? I still love him and don’t want to let go. We were married for more than 20 years and I feel such a failure. I really want him to come back to where he belongs - with us.

answer:
A separation can take a minimum of two years to get over. But first you need to clarify whether or not he intends to return. You won’t begin to heal if you continue to believe this separation is temporary when, in fact, it is not. Such an abandonment, while extremely traumatic for you and your children, says much more about your husband than you. If your experience of your marriage was good, then do not disown it. Can you find someone with whom you can share your anger and grief (a friend or counselor)? This is the key to getting on with your life. Joining a therapy group which helps people through separations is often beneficial. It is vital for your children that you maintain your self-respect, and that you don’t blame yourself for what he has done. You can help each child decide to what extent they wish to pursue a relationship with their father. If he stays in contact with the children, you should encourage them to see him, so they don’t get caught feeling disloyal to you.

How Fear Works
Babies are born fearless. Yet, as they grow, they pick up a whole load of fears and favorites along the way. These are normal emotional responses that are developed for the sake of survival. For example, we are taught to fear carnivorous animals as we don’t want to end up being attacked or eaten.

Of all the emotional states we experience, none is more primitive or powerful than fear as it is among the first few emotions that a baby learns. Almost as soon as baby starts to explore the world, mums are warning them not to touch electrical sockets or hot items.

Failure to comply will result either in getting scalded, hurt or scolded by mum. It doesn’t take long for babies to learn to fear certain conditions or things, for their own sake.

However, this is different from a phobia, where a person suffers an inappropriate fear response that causes unnecessary distress and dysfunction. Examples would be people who hyperventilate or get a panic attack when they see a cat, bird or cockroach.

Psychologists call this “conditioning stimuli”, where someone has been exposed to a specific environment or neurobiological landscape which sets off an unusual brain reaction. Phobias can consist of anything, be it fear of the dark, of bugs, colors, numbers, light, dark, bridges, tunnels, elevators or planes.

Sometimes the fear is not directly related to an object or situation. There is a case where her child patient -who was having behavioral problems - admitted that he was afraid of tigers. Upon further prodding, she found that it was not the real tiger that he was afraid of but his father, whom his mother often referred to as a “fierce tiger”.

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My dad has a gambling problem. A big one. It’s so huge that it created a big rift between him and my mum — they divorced six years ago. Two years ago, my brother stopped talking to him after a fight over money. My dad borrowed $2,000 from him and just went and lost it in a casino and he never bothered to figure out how to pay my brother back. I know he’s sick and I would rather he go for treatment. But he seems so hopeless. What can I do? It kills me to turn away my own father but I don’t want to encourage his gambling either. The extra crappy thing is, I have no one to talk to about this. My mum and brother are fed up with the topic and I’m too ashamed to discuss it with my friends. Please help.

answer:
It’s a terrible situation to be in, and I do feel for you. You obviously love and care for your father, but here’s the thing: You know he has a problem and this problem has already driven your mother and brother away. It’s admirable that you want to maintain some kind of relationship with him, but do you think lending him money is the way to do it? Your father has a disease, and like any addict, he isn’t able to think rationally. If you lend him money now, you’re only supporting his disease. I’m not sure that would be helpful for him at all. It isn’t until he realizes on his own that he needs help that he will finally seek it. Meanwhile, you can take steps to help yourself. It would definitely help you to find someone to talk to, someone to listen to your concerns and help you sort through your emotions. Who knows, it could end up helping your father too.

Identify your EDZ
An Emotional Danger Zone (EDZ) is a situation that triggers a primitive response. Suddenly you forget your good manners and react like a mad person : Yelling, swearing or hitting.

“An emotion is a series of responses that prepare your body and mind for immediate action,” says British psychotherapist Geel Lindenfleld, in her book Emotional Confidence.

She adds, “If one of your senses spots a threat, your brain shuts down the sophisticated part that deals with social interaction. Instead, a signal is sent directly to the primitive emotional part of your brain - it says ‘fight now!’”

But this emotional response can be dangerous because it may be too strong, or inappropriate. “My EDZ is being told what to do, like a child. My parents were very controlling.

Everyone’s EDZ is different. We have our own memories and blueprints of emotional responses. So before you get angry, ask yourself: Are you annoyed at this… or something from the past?

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