Boyfriend / guys to avoid
1.The insensitive guy
Do you find yourself sitting at home waiting for his phone call? Did he say he’d stop by, but never showed up? After he apologizes for his behavior, does he do the same things again and again? “Some guys seek out girl friends they think they can victimize and control,” says Helen Morrison, M.D., an adolescent and child psychiatrist at The Evaluation Center in Chicago.
By using girls, these guys feel better about themselves. Their girl friends, on the other hand, start to feel powerless and insignificant. Poor behavior on your guy’s part can have a major impact on your emotions. One recent study of 121 sophomores at a Midwestern high school found that girls who were going steady had lower self-esteem than girls who weren’t currently dating anyone. “Sometimes young women think that having a boyfriend will make everything in their life better,” says Dr. Morrison. “Actually the oppo site can be true if he’s treat ing you badly.” If your guy doesn’t seem to care about your feelings, get rid of him. He’s not likely to change his ways. Don’t hang around hoping he’ll come to his senses and treat you with respect—he should have done that in the first place. “It’s not always his words that are hurtful, but his actions, too,” says Dr. Morrison. “The guy who keeps saying ‘I love you’ and then ignores you at school is being insensitive. You deserve better.”
2.The physical guy
“Don’t ever toler ate any form of physical aggression,” says Dr.Malcolm Gordon, M.D., of the National Institutes of Mental Health. “Physical abuse is a form of control and victimization.” A physically abusive guy often starts out acting like a perfect gentleman. But as the relationship continues, in order to maintain control and power, he may become verbally abusive or posses sive. Overtime, he may resort to using physical violence to control his girl friend—or to keep her from leaving the relationship. “Realize that if he hits you once, he’ll definitely do it again. But it’ll get worse each time,” says Dr. Morrison. If a guy hits you, whether it’s a slap, kick, or push, don’t give him a second chance or listen to his excus es. And don’t believe him if he blames his violent behav ior on you, saying that you “pushed him to it,” or that you “asked for it.” If you find yourself in a violent situation that you can’t leave immediately, don’t confront or accuse the abuser because it’s likely to make him more violent. Get away from him as soon as possible. “Get help. Tell someone immediately, either a friend or family member,” says Dr. Morrison.
3.The critical guy
“He told me to wear black because it made me look thinner,” says 16-year-old Jennie. “Before I met him,I never thought I had a weight problem.” With situations like Jennie’s, verbal abuse can be very subtle. At first, you may view his little criticisms as harmless advice. After all, it’s hard to believe that someone who says he cares about you would ever try to make you feel bad about yourself. “If he continues to criticize you, you’re bound to start believing him,” says Divinia Irvin, an adolescent advocate at Tiger Medics Comprehensive School Health Center at the John C. Fremont High School in Oakland, California. “He’ll make you feel as if nothing is right with the way you look or act and you’ll end up blaming yourself.” Being a teenager is a difficult time because you’re trying to establish your own identity. If you like to wear your hair short, but he likes long hair, tell him to start growing his out. If he thinks you’re too tall, too short, too flat-chested, too heavy, or too thin, tell him to take a hike and start working on his own self-image—you’re happy with yourself the way you are. Besides, you’re likely to find someone else out there who’ll think your shyness is endearing and your figure is perfect—exact ly the way it is.
4.The flirt
Just because your guy talks to other girls doesn’t mean he’s inter ested in them—or that he doesn’t care about you. But if he spends the majority of the time you spend together bouncing from one girl to the next, he’s a flirt who might have a commitment problem. Confront him—in private. Say, “Listen, it hurts my feel ings when you flirt with other girls.” Let him know that if he continues to flirt with other girls, he’s history. And keep your promise. If he real ly cares about you, he’ll make an effort to stop. Do give him a chance to correct his behavior. Sometimes guys don’t even realize that they’re flirting. They might think they’re just being friendly or polite. But if his flirting continues or you’re afraid that his flirting will lead to cheating, it’s time to move on. “Too often girls let guys disre spect them,” says Divinia Irvin. “If you don’t respect yourself, they won’t either.”
5.The drug addict
If your guy is into get ting high, consider this: A guy who loves drugs is a guy who loves drugs—end of story. Realize that despite what he says, this is not a “phase he’s going through,” and it’s not “just a weekend thing.” If you ask him to quit, don’t be surprised if he tries to make you feel guilty. Be prepared for, “You just don’t like it when I go out with my friends” or “You just don’t want me to have a good time.” “One of the main reasons not to go out with a guy who does drugs is that he really doesn’t care you’re there,” says Dr. Morrison. “He’s telling you very clearly that you’re second best.” Teens who indulge in drugs often continue to do so in adulthood. So if you think you can change him, forget it. Odds are good that his substance abuse will continue for years to come.
6.The alcoholic guy
“My ex-boyfriend drank a lot,” said 15-year-old Shauna. “That’s all he ever wanted to do.” Going out with a guy who drinks will ultimately get you nowhere. A guy who’s totally wasted will not under stand that you’re upset because he forgot your birth day. Partying is the most important thing on his mind. And like drug addiction, drinking habits usually get worse overtime. One of the main reasons why teens drink is peer pres sure, so don’t be surprised if he wants you to party with him. Besides, he knows that if you drink too, then you can’t complain about his drinking behavior—that would be hypocritical.
7.The sex-centered guy
If he’s pushing you to have sex and you don’t think you’re ready, dump him.Despite what he says, he doesn’t love you if he’s pushing you. “Sometimes young women believe that if they sleep with a guy, it’ll secure their relationship and he won’t ever leave them,” says Divinia Irvin. Some guys sleep with girls because they’re trying to impress their friends. The more girls they sleep with, the more notches on their belt, and the more of a man they think they are. So if he says he’ll leave you if you don’t sleep with him, let him leave. The decision to have sex is an important one; it requires a lot of maturity on your part. Are you going to sleep with every guy who asks, or are you going to wait to be with someone special? If you do decide to sleep with a guy, then at least understand the consequences of your actions. Will you be upset if, after you sleep with him, he never calls you again? What will you do if you get pregnant or if you contract a sexually transmitted disease? Despite what he says, sex will not earn his respect or make him love you more. If you don’t feel ready, don’t do it.
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