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My friends tell me that I’m cute, but when I go home and look in the mirror, I just see how ugly I am. Whom should I listen to—my friends or myself?

answer:
Sounds like your self-esteem is taking a nosedive, and you need to figure out why. Could be that in an effort to improve yourself, you went overboard and started to cut yourself down. Listen to your friends, but more importantly, start being kinder to yourself. Write down a list of all your positive qualities—appearance-related and character-related. Keep this list handy and read it aloud any time you feel the urge to get down on yourself.

I’m 15 and always felt confident about my friends. The other day, though, I overheard my friends gossiping about me in the hallway. When I called them on it, they denied it. I feel so betrayed. Now what?

answer:
There are two ways to look at this. You can nurse your feelings of being wronged (you were), and soon you’ll feel more and more indignant every time you think about it. Or, you can figure that if your friends really are good friends, they’ll have learned a hard lesson from this incident. You could go on and forgive them without saying another word about it. Treat them in this more-than-fair fashion, and they’ll probably come to you at some point and let you know they’re aware that they blew it. If this happens again, however, you might need to look harder at the people you call friends.

One of my friends is completely suffocating me. She calls me every day and plans my weekends. The rude thing is, she invites herself to go everywhere I go. How can I tell her to cut the rude stuff?

answer:
Chances are, you haven’t been straightforward with this pushy pal because you’re afraid of hurting her feelings. Well, what about yours? You deserve to have your feelings known and to avoid that fenced-in feeling. You can be gentle with your friend but firm. Tell her what’s on your mind. Give her some guidelines. For example, ask her to limit calls to about once a week. Let her know that you like to keep your weekends a little more free. Stick to your words, and your problem will soon be a thing of the past.

We fight all the time. I can’t tell them how I feel. How do I get through to my family and get them to change?

answer:
Recognize that you don’t have to wait until family members see things your way. You can take action and make positive changes right now. Start by understanding that love is an action verb, not just a passive thing that “happens” to you. How to love your family more? Begin by trying to understand them better. Schedule one-on-one times with family members. Ask gentle questions, and learn more about what motivates them, what’s important to them, what they feel and what their dreams are. Listen without judging or interrupting. Let them know that you accept them as they are. Keep working at this. Gradually, you’ll see that they’ll start to do the same for you. This will go a long way toward warming up family relations.

I really like this guy, but he’s my best friend’s boyfriend. We’re lab partners in chem, so we talk a lot and have become good friends. Every time I try to tell him how much I like him, though, he changes the subject. What should I do? It hurts when I see this guy and my friend together.

answer:
The good news is that you’ve got a good friend in this guy, but the bad news is that you’re jeopardizing both friendships if you try to push for romance. His changing the subject is a tactful way of telling you he’s not interested. He’s trying not to have to say it straight out. Your best bet is to maintain your friendships and back off on the idea of romance.

Recently a girl on my softball team, Monica, was telling us about playing a game against a team that had a guy with AIDS on it. Monica told us that after she caught a ball he had thrown, she made sure she wiped her hand on her pants. And when the game ended, she wouldn’t even shake the guy’s hand.

I expected someone to tell her she was being ridiculous (and mean), but instead our coach announced that he wouldn’t even have played against someone with AIDS. Then a few kids made some more derogatory comments and practically everyone started laughing (I didn’t).

Since then I’ve noticed the team also makes offensive comments about anyone who’s different in any way. All of this bothers me to the point that I’ve thought about quitting the team. Do you think I should? If not, what should I do?

answer:
First of all, congrats on what you’ve already done, which is not stoop to the insensitive (and ignorant) level of your teammates and coach. AIDS is spread mainly through having sex without a condom, sharing contaminated needles, transfusions with infected blood, and possibly through unprotected oral sex. Not by shaking hands. And touching a softball? Please.

So about the dilemma of being stuck on a team with people whose behavior upsets and embarrasses you, I think you have three options:

1. You can quit without telling anyone why, leaving your teammates clueless (in more ways than one) and you teamless.

2. You could stay on the team and try to ignore your teammates’ ignorance and obnoxiousness. However, this could wear on your conscience and could also be a problem if your teammates ever mouth off in a public place and then other people perceive you as prejudiced, too (”birds of a feather,” as the saying goes).

3. You can confront some team members and tell them how you feel about what’s going on. This may be the best move, especially if what you say opens up their minds a little bit (like, in Monica’s case, you could have said, “It must be hard enough for someone to have AIDS without being made fun of”).

Also, approaching, say, three or four girls— instead of trying to talk to the whole team at once—would be much less intimidating. And I don’t think you’d be wasting your breath if you talked to them: There are probably others on the team who are offended by the insensitive comments but haven’t had the guts to say anything either.

If you tell them how you feel and nothing good happens, you still might have to quit the team. But at least you’ll know you gave it your best shot.

I love Troy and have been going out with him for two years. Most of the time things are fine between us, but sometimes when we’re arguing he grabs me really hard and I get scared.

I’ve told him that if he ever hits me I’ll leave him. He hasn’t so far, but he has definitely come pretty close. Should I tell him I want to break up or should I help him overcome this?

answer:
There is absolutely no relationship in which violence or intimidation is okay. Hitting, grabbing, shoving, screaming in your face, blocking your path, threatening you, throwing things—every one of these is abusive and unacceptable, no matter what the excuse (hormones, car problems, family trouble, a bad grade, too many beers). Whatever Troy has done, unless you tell him to stop, he may do it again and again and things could get even worse.

Check out this description and ask yourself whether Troy fits the mold: Something puts him in a nasty mood, he gets increasingly angry (taking it out on you, of course) and then he explodes. Afterward, he apologizes profusely, swears it will never happen again, and acts completely respectful and loving. All this attention—much more than he usually gives you—can make you feel pretty great. But then the whole ugly cycle starts over again.

Whether you should stay with Troy or cruise is something only you can decide. I will say, though, that he sounds like bad news, and getting him to stop being so rough isn’t going to be easy. If you do confront him and he admits he has a problem and is willing to change—maybe with the help of some counseling—well, that’s a start.

Remember, though, that you don’t owe him anything and it’s not your role in life to help him work through his bad habits. And if he doesn’t think he’s out of line, then there’s not much chance he’ll change his ways—no matter how much you love him. The fact is, you do not deserve to be on the receiving end of all his anger.

So, how should you clue him in? Tell him you won’t put up with it when he grabs you or when he intimidates you with any other form of physical control or violence. Whenever he gets mad, ask him to leave for a while and to come back only after he calms down. And remember, if you feel threatened in any way at all, you’re out the door. Tell him you love him but that you also have to look out for yourself, and you won’t put up with his crap anymore.

If Troy pleads for you to stay, ask yourself what’s more important: your safety or being with this guy. Trust me, you’re more important than any relationship.