Questions and Answers about sex
NEVER IN THE MOOD
My husband and I have sex once every five months. He shrugs it off as work stress. My self-esteem has plunged. I am 27 and my husband is 33. Our problem isn’t lack of privacy. What can I do?
Answer:
Many people who consult sex therapists complain of low sexual desire, so your husband isn’t unusual. The reasons could be anything from repressed anger to difficulty satisfying a partner with a higher sex drive. If there are no physical reasons for your husband’s drop in libido, eg medication, diabetes, or hormonal imbalance, and if he’s not depressed, you need to work out what’s wrong with your relationship. Persuade him to see a sex therapist with you.
My fiance of three years and I have never had sex because we would like to wait till our wedding night. Now that we are about to get married, I wonder whether my hymen is already torn because of heavy petting. If my hymen is intact, will he feel it? And does a man feel pain the first time he has sex?
Answer:
Even a gynaecologist often can’t tell whether a woman is a virgin or not! The hymen is an elastic tissue that can be torn because of sports (high jumps, gymnastics . . . ) or heavy petting. For some girls, the hymen just erodes away naturally. As a result there is often no bleeding the first time, although there may be pain as a result of tension and insufficient lubrication. If a doctor can’t see it, your man surely won’t feel it.
As for your second question, no, sex is not painful for men — not even the first time. Sex will only hurt the man if his partner suffers from vaginismus — vaginal spasms that make penetration impossible.
FAST AND FURIOUS
I don’t enjoy sex with my partner. It’s all over in under 30 seconds. Is it because we have sex so infrequently — once every few months? Could it be due to inexperience?
Answer:
Your partner is a premature ejaculator. He has to learn to hold back his orgasm. It is unlikely he will go to a sex therapist for help, so buy a book on sexual problems and follow the instructions. Make it like a game so he won’t mind. If he gets self-conscious, he won’t be able to slow down.
Therapists say premature ejaculation is the most common problem among young men who haven’t mastered lovemaking techniques.
ROUGH AREOLA
The circles around my nipples are very big and dark. As if that’s not ugly enough, the dark area is bumpy and sometimes the bumps look like they have whiteheads.
Answer:
The bumps are sebaceous glands called Montgomery’s glands. Yours are more noticeable because your areola (the skin around the nipple) is dark. Like the pores on your face, the glands secrete oil. Sometimes the oil blocks the pores and dries into a yellow plug. To keep pores clean, rub the nipple and areola area with a towel after showering to remove oily deposits. Or remove the waxy plugs the way you would a blackhead, by popping them out. Dab with a mild astringent.
INEFFECTIVE CONDOM
Although we used a condom, I am now three months pregnant. I bought the condoms from the shop in the void deck of my apartment block. Could the condom have been torn by my sharp nails?
Answer:
Condoms are made of latex, and they can be damaged by heat, your nails or by age. The condoms you bought could have been past their expiration date. Any kind of body oil including the oil in lipstick can cause condoms to break down.
BLOOD FROM THE BACK
I have been bleeding from my anus. There is no pain but the flow can be heavy especially after I pass motion. It once stained my panties so badly that I thought my period had arrived. What is wrong with me?
Answer:
Yours is not a sexual problem. You have haemorrhoids or piles — swollen varicose veins around the anus. This is usually painful especially when passing motion. Feel for a lump or cluster of lumps around the anus. Heavy bleeding could be due to ruptured piles, so please see a doctor. In the meantime buy a haemorrhoidal ointment from pharmacies, drink lots of water and eat more fibre. Piles are often caused by constipation.
THREE-DAY PERIOD
My periods last only three days with heavy flow on the first and second days, lightening to just spotting on the third day. My friends say their periods last five to seven days. Does this mean I’m less fertile?
Answer:
The average menstruation lasts three to six days, so you are as normal as your friends. Some women even bleed for eight days. The longer the flow, the higher the risk of anaemia. If your periods are regular, you really shouldn’t worry about infertility.
LOVE IN BED
My husband is always affectionate but he only says he loves me when we’re making love. I don’t feel comfortable asking him why because we’re not the type to talk about love.
Answer:
Declaring love is scary to some people. It leaves them vulnerable to rejection. Maybe your husband can’t let his guard down except in bed. If, as you say, neither of you is expressive, you can’t expect him to announce his love over breakfast or while watching TV. You’re lucky that he says it at all.
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Jan 11th 2008 at 2:01 pm
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