Facing the consequences
I have found that using consequences’ is a far more effective way of dealing with misbehavior than punishment, which often invites retaliation.
When you apply consequences, a child begins to learn the logical outcomes of her actions. With guidance, she quickly gets the message that her behavior has an effect, which can be positive or negative.
Sometimes it can be difficult for parents to know what consequences to use, so I have set out some typical examples of misbehaviors. As a general rule, be firm and clear when you tell children what they can expect if certain behavior continues.
Try to work out the consequences for repeated misbehavior before trouble hits, but do not expect to have the answers to every situation.
Make the consequences relate to what has happened and once you have given a child her choices, do not keep reminding, threatening or coaxing her. Maintain respect for the child and distinguish between the deed and the doer. You want a child to get the message that she is accepted, but her behavior is not.
Misbehaves when shopping: After a warning, go home immediately and tell her she will miss out on the next shopping trip.
Fighting in the car: Pull over until back-seat squabbling stops.
Jumping on furniture: Ask to stop (with reason) and suggest an alternative place for jumping. If necessary, remove furniture or child from the room until she is ready to co-operate.
Will not tidy room: Negotiate an agreement on frequency and standard of tidiness and include the possible consequences. For example, she is not allowed to play/ watch TV until the room is tidy.
Comes home later than agreed: Going out is temporarily withdrawn or restricted.
Breaking or damaging property: Ask for an apology and, if the child is old enough, get her to clean up the breakage or help repair items that could be salvaged. If repeated, ask for a partial or full replacement, to be taken from pocket money.
When applying consequences, it is important to be flexible without becoming inconsistent. You may have worked out a strategy, but your child is just too tired, unwell or stressed to be co-operative. Use your instincts. In the case of cleaning a room, perhaps an offer to help tidy up may be warranted if it is the end of a long week, but the job still needs doing.
Using logic to solve problems becomes easier the more you try it. If you can be consistent in applying logical consequences, they will be more effective. Children are quick to see the justice of natural outcomes and, so long as the consequences are not being used as another form of punishment, they will adjust their behavior without resentment.
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