How should you handle your first relationship after a big break-up?
Don’t compare
You’ve found someone you really like. He makes you laugh and you have no problems talking to him.
When you’re chatting about holidays you feel upset when he says he doesn’t like Paris, your ex-boyfriend favorite holiday city.
Stop! The worst thing you can do in a new relationship is compare and contrast. If you’re looking for a Sam substitute, not a fresh relationship, chances are you won’t find either. Remember, you split up for a reason — his jealousy, your tediousness, or because he fell in love with someone else. Whatever it was, you weren’t right for one another, even if he did love Paris.
Just because your new man doesn’t have Mr Right written all over him doesn’t mean you can’t use him to fill a blank in your life (let’s face it, guys have been doing this for centuries).
A word of warning: unless you’re absolutely sure you can handle the new relationship without feeling abandoned afterwards, don’t do it .
Slowly but sure
Trying to make your next relationship as deep as the last in double-quick time is usually a recipe for disaster. Enjoy the relationship for what it is, and don’t try to wangle a closeness that neither of you is ready for.
People often leap into a new relationship because they’ve been hurt, and they don’t take into account the pain and sadness they’re taking with them. They may also not have taken their share of responsibility for what went wrong. Allowing yourself time between relationships is vital — you may need at least a year.
If your new man is pushing things too fast, explain that you’re not ready to plunge in at the deep end. If he can’t accept it, think about bowing out. Yes, you’ll be on your own again, but far happier free and single than attached and trapped.
Do it differently
Unless you’ve quit the country, chances are you’ll still be in the same town as your ex. But while no one expects you to move, it’s a good idea to change your routine.
Finding a new way to do things will help stop any painful flashbacks. You don’t have to sit down and dump all these feelings on to your new man, just quietly make the changes yourself. How about going to the movies which your ex never enjoyed? Or going on holiday which Mr Boring never wanted to set foot in?
Don’t make trouble
Never assume your new man will be like your last. “Okay, I’ll see him,” you tell the friend who set up the date, “but I’m certainly not getting involved or it’ll end up like last time.”
Stop right there. Not all men are like your ex, so give the poor guy a chance. Although , for one, know this is easier said than done.
When you start a new relationship, keep your mind about you by all means, but remember people are very different and so are boyfriends.
Learn from the past
There are a lot of men out there, but not many you’ll want to live with for the rest of your life. That’s why spending some time without a love of your life is a good idea. Use this time to look at what went wrong. Was it your insecurity? His immaturity?
Don’t let history repeat itself. For example, make a deal not to put up with his bad temper — when you’re not locked into a relationship it’s easier to talk about what you don’t like. And watch your own behaviour. That parting comment about your selfish streak — was there any truth in it?
But the key word is “relax” — don’t expect too much from your first relationship after the Big One. Enjoy the fun and freedom. As the saying goes, for everything there is a season — and this is your season for trying relationships again, but without a thousand expectations and complications.
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