9 Best and Worst Things About Men
Men,men,men. They’re wonderful and horrible, they’re agony and ecstasy, they’re ridiculous and sublime. We love them so much, and yet we hate them too.
The 9 best things
1.THEIR HAIR IS THE KEY TO THEIR PERSONALITY
You can tell how well a man will treat you simply by looking at his hair. A balding man is just so grateful to go out with you, he will treat you with the love and respect you deserve. A man with gorgeous hair will be a jerk. Take Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall. OK, sure, that was just a character, but you know a guy with hair that beautiful is going to be a bad-news boyfriend. He’ll cheat on you, he’ll steal your conditioner. Best to go for the bald.
2.MOST MEN FEEL PRESSURED TO BUY YOU STUFF ON MAJOR HOLIDAYS
This is fabulous, except they sometimes forget a major holiday is coming up. So it’s your job to remind them. Major holidays include Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Groundhog Day, the vernal equinox (I have no idea what this is, but it’s a great excuse for a gift!), the anniversary of the first time you made love, and the anniversary of the first time he let you be in charge of the remote control. Also, it’s very important to have your gift picked out in advance; otherwise, you’re likely to get a blender or a G-string.
3.IN A RESTAURANT, MEN GO TO THE BATHROOM ALONE
Women go to the bathroom in pairs. If men went in pairs, you would wonder what they were doing in there so long. You would get paranoid. Are they talking about me? Are they rebuilding a carburetor? Are they assembling a stereo? Have they left through the bathroom window? This must be how men feel when women go, and explains why they are so insecure.
4.YOU’VE GOT A GUARANTEED DATE ON NEW YEAR’S EVE
No matter how much you want to break up with your boyfriend—even if you have to go visit him in prison—on New Year’s Eve he’d better be your date, damn it! Women do not like to be alone on New Year’s Eve. They will do anything to avoid it. I had a girlfriend who hadn’t hooked a date for the big night and was completely panicked. A guy called her up, thinking her number was the line for Domino’s Pizza, and ordered a pep-peroni with extra cheese. She delivered the pizza, they ate it, and then made mad, passionate love in his tollbooth.
5.IT’S EASY TO KNOW A MAN’S FEELINGS
Want to find out if a man really loves you? Ask him to go clothes shopping with you. Men like shopping for women’s clothes as much as they like having red-hot needles stuck in their eyes. If he’s willing to go and sits patiently while you model 14 different outfits, he really loves you. If he hits on the salesgirl while you’re in the dressing room, he doesn’t.
6.THEY CAN DO MANUAL LABOR
Men can take out garbage cans, lift sofas, and change tires. Jobs you wouldn’t want to do in a million years. Jobs that, if you absolutely had to do them, would make you cry. To get men to do these jobs, all you have to do is whine.
7.YOU CAN WEAR THEIR UNDERWEAR
Boxer shorts are amazing. They’re big, they’re baggy, most men look adorable in them, and they are wonderful to borrow. You can sleep in them, lounge around the house in them, and with a cute T-shirt and the right shoes, you can even wear boxers out to breakfast! A word of caution: Don’t borrow their jockey shorts. Jockey shorts are just too weird. They have that extra pocket in the front—what is that for? Change? Their car keys? Plus, what if, God forbid, his jockey shorts are too tight for you? This would mean that your butt is bigger than his—and is there a more depressing thought?
8.MEN AREN’T DUMB ENOUGH TO BE PROFESSIONAL CHEERLEADERS
Every professional sports team has cheerleaders. Women who run around in skimpy costumes, who follow the team from city to city, who spend hours practicing dorky routines, and who get paid almost nothing. Is this a career? Why do they do it? So they can marry one of the players and never have to work again? OK, maybe they aren’t so dumb. But they still bug me.
9.MEN DON’T GET PERIODS
As frustrating as men can be, can you imagine what they would be like if they got periods? If you had to deal with them bragging about their gas mileage and crying because their oil needed to be changed? What if you found them hiding in the closet, reading Sports Illustrated while chugging a pint of Haagen-Dazs? Maybe it’s good they’re insensitive.
The 9 worst things
1.MEN LOOK CUTE RIGHT WHEN THEY WAKE UP
This is completely unfair. When a guy wakes up, his hair’s a little messy and he has that slight stubble that the models always have. Women, on the other hand, look like hell. Once, after a really great date, we woke to find a false eyelash sticking out of my nose. Best to wake up first, run into the bathroom, apply makeup, reshave all body parts, and put hot rollers in your hair. Then sneak back into bed and pretend to wake up when he does, at which point you laugh girlishly, being very careful not to get lipstick on your teeth.
2.SMALL PENISES
I’ve heard there are women who like penises small. I’ve never met a woman who does. Let’s be honest: The reason we have sex with men is because of the penis. No woman is going to prefer one she’s not even sure is there. And polite sexual etiquette does not allow you to ask, “Is that your penis, or were you eating a pickle spear in bed?”
3.LARGE PENISES
Men with large penises think they can get away with anything. Not calling. Dating other women. Burping in public. Expecting you to do their laundry. Forgetting to buy you a Groundhog Day present. They just think they’re God’s gift to women. Unfortunately, they are.
4.MEN SUDDENLY BECOME SEX-STARVED WHEN YOU HAVE PMS
This is a time when men can really be pigs. They tell you you’re sexy and you know they’re just lying to get you into bed. I mean, how could anyone in sweat clothes with greasy hair and a big chunk of Snickers bar on her chin look sexy? Give me a break.
5.MEN LOVE TO BUY YOU G-STRINGS
Men like looking at women in G-strings, so they buy them for us as a gift, thinking we like them. We don’t. We just pretend to like them when we open the box. OK, sure, they’re fine to wear for ten minutes when making an entrance into a bedroom right before you make love. But they’re useless for anything else. Have you ever tried to clean your house while wearing a G-string? You reach for a dust bunny under the bed and, whoa! The
string suddenly gooses you in ways you don’t want to be goosed. How about sitting on a vinyl car seat on a hot day? Or you’re wearing your G-string and, surprise, a gust of wind blows your dress up? Hello!
6. MEN LIKE A MOVIE TO HAVE AT LEAST ONE NAKED WOMAN IN IT
You reluctantly agree to go to a “guy” movie with your guy. Bruce Willis, who just won’t Die Hard. Suddenly there’s a woman in the movie, wearing almost no clothes. Why do men need this? In the hour and a half that you’ve been in the theater, have they forgotten what a naked woman looks like? Do they need a constant reminder? Men who are really in
terested in seeing a naked woman should:
1) Let you pick the movie instead—something featuring Meg Ryan and some really cute guy; 2) take you to an incredibly romantic restaurant; and
3) give you no pressure when saying good night. This is the quickest way to see a naked woman.
7.NOSE HAIRS
Why do men grow nose hairs? Women don’t. It’s so mysterious. They even have special machines, like tiny Roto-Rooters, that you can buy for them through catalogs. A man gets very embarrassed if you mention that he has a wild stray hair. I guess it’s like the time I gave myself a bikini wax and this jerky guy at the beach pointed out that I’d missed a patch.
8.JENNIFER LOPEZ
I read a poll that said the woman most men would like to sleep with is Jennifer Lopez. I hate her. She’s perfect and she’s everywhere. I was recently in my doctor’s office looking at a men’s magazine. I turned the page and there was Jennifer, in a bikini, as usual. But something caught my eye. Was it… a little ripple of cellulite? My heart leaped. There is a God! Then I realized that the page just had a crinkle in it.
I was crushed. Jennifer has no cellulite. She’ll never have it. Life is hopeless.
9.A MAN WILL HOG A WHOLE DESSERT
When women eat together in a restaurant, it doesn’t matter how many there are—2, 6, 20—they will order a single dessert. And 20 forks. Then, not wanting to look like pigs, the women will divide the dessert evenly, leaving one last bite that no one will touch. A man, on the other hand, will just start chowing down on the dessert as soon as it’s set on the table. And you’d better grab a fork and dive in or you won’t get any, because a man will actually eat a whole dessert—including the last bite!
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Aug 9th 2007 at 10:09 am
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