SECRETS OF A HAPPY FAMILY

1.The soft ‘no’
(This is also known as the ‘firm and gentle no’.) Behaviour that’s usually labelled ‘naughty’ is often simply a child’s natural desire to get a need met. Whining for attention while you are trying to have a conversation with a friend might mean,’Don’t leave me out!’ Refusing to do things your way might mean,’Stop trying to control me!’You should try to look beneath the surface of behaviour if you can, and work out exactly why your child needs to do what he’s doing.
What about the child who wants to stay when you want to go? Try this: relax your body, crouch down and make eye contact, lower your voice and say that you know he wants to stay but the answer is ‘no’, all the while keeping an image in your mind that’no’ is indeed the answer and that no one will persuade you otherwise.

2.Owning the problem
This teaches self-motivation and encourages children to take responsibility for themselves. Your 10-year-old forgets to take her swimming things to school: don’t take them in for her more than once. Whose problem is this - yours or hers? Allowing children to own their own problems and learn the consequences of their actions will make them more self-reliant.

3.Talk about feelings
Talk about your own emotions and the children will learn to talk about theirs. Some believe that by making children talk about unhappiness, we’re making them more unhappy. In fact, the opposite is true. When bad feelings have been spoken about openly, the good can start to come in. An unhappy child won’t talk? Try going for a walk or a drive together and start with open-ended questions (’Are you okay?’). Keep the flow going with ‘mm-hmm’ and ‘yes?’ Admit when you feel confused (’I'm trying to understand but I’m finding it hard’). Paraphrase what they’re saying (’So you feel everything’s gone wrong…’) and try to reflect feelings back (’You sound really fed up’). Don’t try to reassure, criticise or give advice unless asked. Simply letting your children express their feelings can be enough.

4.Challenge bad behaviour
When children do things that irritate you, use ‘I’ statements (’I'm feeling tired’) rather than ‘you’ statements (’You’re so inconsiderate’) and enlist their help in solving your problem. Say teenagers won’t help with the chores - try the four-part challenge:
*Describe the behaviour that needs changing.
*Explain its effect on you (choose your time and stay cool).
*Say how you feel.
*Request help in solving the problem. For example:’You’re leaving me to clear up after you in the kitchen. It means that I don’t have time to relax and I feel tired and angry. What can you do to help?’

5.Negotiating change
Sometimes you will need to sit down and thrash out a problem — a family council in other words.
*Listen to and acknowledge feelings on both sides.
*Work out what each person s needs are.
*Brainstorm possible mutually acceptable solutions.
*Choose one of these together.
*Agree some practical steps to implement the solution.
*Return later to see whether it’s working.

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This entry was posted on Sunday, March 18th, 2007 at 1:27 pm and is filed under Relationship. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.